Learned something interesting this week – lotterying has become a habit, a something I must do, a thing that must be accomplished.
This week I didn’t think about what I would do with the money, the moral value of the lottery, even the composing of this blog post. The buying of the ticket was the important thing. More than important, it was an urgent need.
Saturday, lottery-ticket-buying day, was super busy. I was scampering from one event, one chore, one activity to another. And the whole day I was anxious and unsettled. As the day wore on, the more itchy I became. No matter what I was doing, my thought was, “I must get this out of the way so I can lottery.” I gave scant attention to whether chores were done well. It was just get them done and get on to lotterying. At long last, late in the day, I wheeled into the parking lot, jerked into a parking place and dashed into of my Personal Lottery Central. As soon as I turned over my $3.00 and took my ticket, I calmed down. I was at peace.
This is scary. I joke with myself that I have a charming little bit of OCD. But what if this is more than charming? Am I mere few steps from becoming compulsive about this? To use an old-fashioned phrase, have I started down the road to perdition?
Perdition is an easy road to follow. It is easy to develop habits, both good and bad. I read if you do something for two weeks, the habit is formed. This is Week 8, six weeks beyond the habit-forming threshold. Is lotterying still a simple writing exercise? Or has lotterying become a bad habit?
When does a habit become bad? When it goes beyond comfort to compulsion? When the discomfort of not doing it is greater than the joy of doing it? I know falling into bad habits is not evidence of a lack of character, but breaking those bad habits demands great strength of character. Can I use this new realization to grow a stronger character?
When I take the last $3.00 out of the See’s candy tin will I feel pride that I completed a project? Relief that the Lottery Year is at an end? Or separation anxiety? A compulsion to continue? Which will be stronger – my character or the habit?
Even more important – can I learn from this to be more compassionate and supportive of those who are trying to form good habits or break bad ones?
Or am I, as one of my friends is constantly telling me, just thinking too much?